Deeper Roots

DEEP ROOTS

I’m a quote person. I love collecting meaningful thoughts and quotes. When I have a rough Lyme day, I scroll through Instagram feeds with uplifting quotes or scriptures and read them one after another trying to hang on. Today I’ve needed lots of quotes.

Last week I tried something called Ozone Therapy. You basically are hooked up to an IV for 5 hours while they take out your blood, oxygenate it, and put it back in. It’s a pretty miserable experience, and as with most Lyme treatments, you experience what they call a Herx afterward, which is to say you feel worse before you feel better. I feel like this treatment gave me five pretty good days. Pretty good, as in, I could get out of bed and go for a short ride in the car or sit at the table and paint. Pretty good doesn’t mean anywhere close to normal, but these days I’ll happily take pretty good. The problem is, after five days of feeling pretty good, today I’m back to misery. It makes me wonder if it would be easier not to experience what pretty good feels like because feeling pretty good makes coming back to reality even harder.

In a recent priesthood blessing, Heavenly Father promised me that small drops of relief would come to me, like raindrops in the desert. That promise has become very meaningful to me, especially because this quote has been one of my favorites. Throughout the last 20 years of medical issues, including 13 years of infertility treatments, I’ve become more resilient than I could have imagined. In this last year, I’ve had to reach deeper than I’ve ever reached. I’ve become the person I am because of my suffering. I post these thoughts because I’m hoping to help someone someday, the way so many people who suffer from Lyme have helped me in this last week.

I plan to study and continue to ponder what little raindrops in the desert will mean. The imagery of this is so vivid to me. I can easily imagine this scorched dry earth so desperately in need of water. I can feel it. It makes so much sense to me as a metaphor for my life. If I were flooded with water and always had plenty, I wouldn’t learn to appreciate the little drops. I wouldn’t need to do the soul searching work that my creator has planned for me. I am learning to trust in His plan and His timing. To know that He will make it rain, even if it is a few small drops, when he knows I am ready for the rain. I am trying to look for lessons and grow my roots. I am looking to Him to be my Living Water.

Shouting it From the Rooftops

SHOUTING IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS

I wanted to share here the Instagram post I shared when I was finally diagnosed.

***Health update, Warning a long emotional post***😉

We’ve known something was very wrong with me for many years. Scott refers to my health challenges as whack-a-mole. Every time we get one thing under control, another equally devastating thing pops up. I’ve just gotten really good at putting a smile on my face and pretending that nothing was wrong. I’ve lived with debilitating pain, neurological problems such as constant dizziness and lightheadedness that is impossible to describe, terrible motion sickness, neuro-muscular issues, extreme fatigue, chronic migraines usually at least 20 days a month, other headaches, hormonal issues including infertility, and painful ovarian cysts, light and noise sensitivity, muscle weakness, nausea, and digestive problems, overwhelming anxiety and depression. I could go on. I’ve been to countless doctors, done myriad tests and procedures, visited several emergency rooms. Prayed, fasted, had blessing after blessing.

Eight months ago, on Easter, I was rushed to the ER because the room wouldn’t stop spinning. Since that day I haven’t been the same person. Things have gotten so much worse. Every day I seem to decline. There have been many days that I have thought I might not make it. I can’t do any of the things I enjoy anymore; little things like taking a shower are overwhelming tasks. I can’t even get dressed on my own. I can’t process a conversation or think clearly. I can’t spell; I feel like I’m going crazy. It is really scary to feel like this and have no control. I have felt the lowest of lows, so alone, so afraid, so hopeless.

After years of not knowing, I was just diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease. I can’t tell you what a relief that is for me to say. They’ve finally figured out what is wrong with me. It will be a long road ahead; there is no cure, just treatment to alleviate the symptoms.

I wanted to share this, not for sympathy, because I know everyone I know has their own hard battles. I wanted to share this because I finally have hope. I wanted to share this because this has become part of my story, and I’m going to own it and triumph in it.

I wanted to share this because I know I’m not alone. I couldn’t have made it this far without so many loved ones who have been deeply concerned about my family and me. I want you to know that, yes, it has been challenging, but it’s going to be okay. I need to put this out into the universe for some inexplicable reason. I also wanted to share this because I know that without a doubt, my Savior, Jesus Christ, is aware of my family and me. He knows how I’ve suffered, for he has suffered too. He will continue to be there to lift me up and carry me when I can’t do it on my own, and the way he’d done this so far and will continue to do this is through all of you, my dear friends and family. I am extremely blessed and so lucky; I have so much love and gratitude for you. There are so many little tender mercies that I hope to share someday. So many of you have saved me along this journey. I don’t have the energy or mental bandwidth to thank you all individually for everything you’ve done, so I wanted to thank you here.

Finally, I want to thank Scott. He has nver given up hope; he has held my hand, left me daily love notes of encouragement, been by my side at every doctor’s appointment, dried puddles of tears, made me laugh and smile, taken my mind off my pain when I think I can’t take it anymore, let me lean on him and guides me when I can barely walk, been my chauffeur, been my design assistant, taken care of our home, cooked, cleaned, done all of laundry, gotten Jake off to school and tucked into bed every single day, all while running a company. He’s never once complained. I know this has been hard on him, even though he would never admit it. He is my rock.

There is so much more I want to share, about diagnosing this disease, about having hope, about all the angels in my life that have sustained me through these dark times. I hope to share more soon.

Painting @jkirkrichards

The Purpose of this Blog

THE PURPOSE OF THIS BLOG

After over twenty years of health struggles, too many doctors to count, seeking various treatments, and trying endless medications, I have finally been diagnosed with Chronic Lyme disease. How this unexpected illness that had eluded detection for years finally revealed itself is a miracle. The relief I felt at finally getting a diagnosis and proving to myself I wasn’t crazy was short-lived because of the overwhelming treatment options and lack of medical consensus.

I wanted to start writing this treatment journey for three reasons. The first reason is the small chance that it might help someone experiencing the devastation that so many Lymies have to go through, or any overwheming trial that you may be facing. I am blessed to have been guided to find several people who have had their lives affected by Lyme, whether it be themselves or their loved ones. These people have given me hope when all hope was gone. They have shown me that although I have a long and challenging journey ahead, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I often wish I could look back and read the journey these people have made to recovery. I know it would be inspiring. If I could inspire just one person to press on and fight, it would make everything I’m going through feel worthwhile.

The second reason is to help me heal. I know that many Lyme sufferers are often treated for PTSD. Lyme Disease is brutal. It affects not only your body, but it really messes up your mind. I know that there are many things I’m going to need to work through to heal. One of the most liberating things for me was to be able to reveal that I finally had a diagnoses. I was so sick and tired of always being the person you knew who was constantly sick and tired. When I finally found out I had Lyme I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I felt such relief. Even though I had just been diagnosed with an incurable, debilitating disease, I felt relief. At least there was a reason I had been suffering for so long. It is cathartic to be able to write down my feelings and let it all out. Healing my soul is going to be part of healing my body.

The last reason I want to write about my life with Lyme is that I want to thank my Heavenly Father for this blessing. It’s a strange thing to feel gratitude for something that is literally killing me. While I wouldn’t wish this illness on my worst enemy, I understand that I have this burden because there is something I need to learn from it. I’m not always super grateful and upbeat. Most of the time, I’m not. I know that I do better when I look at the blessings and the good that comes from my trials, much better than when I’m in a self-pity mode. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my faith is an integral part of who I am. I couldn’t write about this experience without writing that my Savior, Jesus Christ, has carried me through it so far, and I know that he will continue to carry me. I am a different person than I would have been if I hadn’t suffered from Lyme. I have gained an unwavering testimony of the Atonement of Christ. I have gained an enormous amount of empathy for those who suffer. I have gained gratitude for those angels on earth who love and serve and selflessly give to my family and me. I have gained far more from Lyme than it has taken from me. I have to remind myself of that on the hard days.